On Tuesday, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders officially made his long-awaited endorsement of Democratic presumptive nominee Hillary Clinton. A full transcript of his speech in New Hampshire was published somewhat ironically by Fortune and includes all the expected platitudes that a high-profile endorsement should contain. However, the subtext of this moment, which includes Sanders own acrimonious opposition to Clinton as a tool of Wall Street interests and criticism of her qualifications, is far more funny than the actual speech, and in this election cycle, funny is the candidate America truly needs.
The following is a satirical look at what Sanders may have really wanted to say during his endorsement of Hillary Clinton. These are not actually the words of Bernie Sanders. Instead, they are a humorous take on what the author felt Sanders was truly thinking.
“Let me begin by thanking the popular vote, who totally voted for me, Bernie Sanders, instead of the person who actually won because of how the system is rigged. The fact that I sound like Donald Trump when I say that shouldn’t make anyone worry. Losers always say that it is not their fault that they lost and Trump will be the biggest loser of them all when my good friend, Hillary Clinton, wins in November!
I know that people like The Los Angeles Times have labeled this moment as an indication of Democratic party unity. But let me assure my people who unity had nothing to do with it. I waited her out until she gave me almost everything I want on the Democratic party platform, her own policies regarding college tuition and healthcare and even the Trans-Pacific Partnership, which I twisted her arm to make her talk about today. Trust me, making the candidate say that they’ll ‘say no to unfair trade deals’ when she had initially supported it is a coup of epic proportions. The last time a candidate flip-flopped this bad he got swift-boated.
Secretary Clinton has won the Democratic nomination and I, Bernie Sanders, totally congratulate her for that. I mean, who can go up against someone who is backed by special interest groups and raises money from Wall Street billionaires? Seriously, guys, I should have dropped out when we found out how much she gets per commencement speech. No on can compete with that, not even a popular movement among like-minded people who want to make the world a better place. No amount of ‘we the people’ can overcome that and that is why I’ll do my best to make sure that she will be the next president of the country.
And now, let me toss out the rest of my speech that is heartwarming and mildly complimentary of Hillary Clinton, because really, that isn’t what anyone wants to hear. Right now, the only thing you and I, Bernie Sanders (did I mention that I was Bernie Sanders?), want to hear about is that doofus on the right, Donald Trump. Let me just echo every argument that Republicans have to vote for him and remind you that he will appoint Supreme Court justices! Cue the spooky ghost noises. Yes, just let that sink in. Our argument for voting for the candidate that no one seems to like or trust is that the other guy is worse and will appoint really bad judges.
And so, my friends, let me just check my list here. College tuition, healthcare, the one percent, income inequality, supreme court justices, immigration reform, criminal justice, civil rights, she and I disagree on everything but I’m endorsing her anyway – okay, looks like I got everything done that I was supposed to get done. Let me just conclude here with the line that the Clinton campaign made me include in this speech: ‘Hillary Clinton will make an outstanding president and I am proud to stand with her here today.’ Okay, can I have my sticker now? You promised I would get a sticker if I endorsed you.”
What do you think about this humorous look at the endorsement speech made by Bernie Sanders? Do you think any of this was actually going through his mind as he spoke on Tuesday? Sound off in the comments and share your thoughts! For more CDA News, follow our tweets on Twitter and like us on Facebook.
Satire by Charlie Carlisle